Sunday, August 19, 2012

You're So Sly, God

You know what God's really, really good at?

Aside from pretty much everything, I mean?

Keeping me humble.

All I have to do is even consider getting on some kind of high horse, and He knocks me right down.

A few weeks ago I was at church.  As I was walking our children to their classes, another mother crossed my path, her own children in tow.  Her shirt was of a style that gave me an eyeful of a certain part of her anatomy that should really never see the light of day.  Really, lady? I thought.  Did you wake up this morning and think, "Hmmm, what should I wear to church today?  I know!  The kind of clothing worn by insecure adolescent girls who's misplaced sense of worth is completely tied up in their appearance and new-found pieces of anatomy!"  Hmph.

A few hours later, when our family had all returned home from church, Derek informed me that when I stood in front of the huge bank of windows in the children's area at church, you could see right through my skirt.

Ma'am, I see you one cleavage shirt, and raise you one transparent skirt.

Then a few days ago, as the kiddos and I were driving south to attend another niece's baptism, we were listening to the radio.  A local station was playing an hour's worth of 90's throwback music, and I soon found myself listening to a 15-year-old interview with a man who's album was on the charts at the time.  The subject of the interview was the title of this album, Schizophrenic.  The artist was talking about how he often feels like he has so many different personalities and so Schizophrenic was just the perfect title, and I find myself saying, "Really?  I'm pretty sure what you're referring to is DID, but I guess Dissociative Identity Disorder just isn't as whimsical as schizophrenia, even though schizophrenia has nothing to do with multiple personalities. Idiot."

A few minutes after that, a popular 90's song played, and she was singing about love and specifically a kiss and all kind of other mushy things.  Then she made reference to "centrifugal motion."  And I couldn't help but tell her that given the context of her song, I was pretty sure she was under the misapprehension that centrifugal force brings people together, when really the opposite is true- it would drive her and her lover apart.  Was that really what she meant to say?  I think not.

But before I could really start despairing about our culture and its relative intelligence, I talked to my brother-in-law.  He started talking about nearby highways and roads and directions and how to get different places, and I was reminded that I am severely directionally handicapped.  If the sun isn't rising or setting, I have no way which way is east or south or wherever, and more often than not, if I'm the one driving the car, we are lost.

Then my sister asked me what a gerund was, and I, a grammar freak, could not for the life of me remember.

And just to top off all that imperfection, I accidentally immersed my cell phone in water twice over the weekend, bringing the number of times my phone has been baptized up to three.  I have no idea how it still works.

So you see, God does not quibble to let me know that I have no place judging other people or looking down on anyone at all.  And God isn't really sly at all; the Bible is blatantly clear that we are not to judge each other, and no one is above or below the other.

And if I sometimes feel that God is having a pretty good laugh over smacking me around, I console myself with the fact that at least he's generally pretty gentle with me.  He gives me little love taps to keep me in line when what I deserve is a full-out punch in the mouth.


  1. Wait a minute, twice. You dunked your phone twice, You only told me about one dunking....

  2. The other dunking wasn't really her fault... Charlotte thought her phone looked parched and needed another drink.

    1. I started to tell him that yesterday (see comment below), when he said something like, "Are you seriously going to blame this on a baby?"

  3. She tired to blame it on your baby, I wouldn't let her


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