Thursday, July 30, 2015

Hu-mi-di-ty

Thankfully for you guys, Derek's dad came over yesterday and fixed our dishwasher, which wouldn't drain, took out our old kitchen faucet whose hot water handle broke off about a year ago and swapped it with a new one, and fixed our broken garbage disposal- it had a corn cob skewer jammed in its innards (hashtag Iowa probs).  Because of this, I'm beginning to think my father-in-law is a wizard, making our kids only around 75% muggle, yay!

All of this means that instead of two things to complain to you about today, I only have one.  That thing is, of course, humidity.

Some things you may not know about humidity:


  • It makes you want to die.
  • It is worse than craving a BLT but finding there is no bacon in the house.  WHO ATE ALL THE BACON?
  • It is actually a higher-level demon, beloved great-uncle to Wormwood.
  • Its favorite haunt is along paths that enjoy heavy foot traffic, where its wet fingers reach up from the ground and pull pedestrians to the ground.  This is why you feel the insatiable urge to stop completely and stretch flat-out on the ground when it is humid.  Scientific fact.  (Hey, this is the internet, where apparently I can say any crazy thing I want, and the following will happen:  People will believe it---They will experience absurd outrage---They will lose their minds---They will open their pie holes to vent their spleen, not realizing how embarrassed they should be.  I know this because I have seen it 4,921 times this week.)


I blame humidity for my last ten runs, all of which felt way harder than they should have.  I've tried running well before the sun came up, I've tried running with a full water bottle, I've tried running hills in the morning well after the sun came up.  (Almost died.  Good times.)  I'm still not entirely sure why God didn't grant me autonomy over the humidity thermostat (humidistat?)- a simple oversight on His part, I'm sure- because running in 99% humidity is less like running and more like stumbling around while a wet blanket smothers you.  This weather is fit only for mold and maybe cigars, I keep telling God, not humans, but He just unplugs my extension when I start up that old line again.

Related:  Does anyone else sometimes picture God as one of those old-timey telephone operators sitting in front of a bank of cords, plugging and unplugging people's prayers?  I think this anytime I've been asking for the same thing for awhile- like He sees my extension light up, sighs and plugs it in, wincing to hear my voice, tinny and wheedling, "So, was that a 'no,' then?  'Cause it's starting to feel like a 'no,' and I just don't think..."

"Yes, you've reached God, this is God speaking."


One last question:  Do you think "humidity" is a valid excuse to have ice cream for supper?  Asking for a friend.

5 comments:

  1. You can tell your friend that as far as I'm concerned humidity is a good reason to have ice cream for supper as well as for breakfast. That's when I let my granddaughters have it last week.

    Humidity is awful, awful, awful!!!

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  2. "Fit only for mold and maybe cigars" - ha ha ha !! Exactly right! Having grown up in Baltimore, Maryland, with one year spent in Columbus, Mississippi, I concur with your portrayal of humidity.

    Not only is humidity a valid excuse for having ice cream, any time, humidity REQUIRES one to have ice cream. That's my view, and I'm sticking to it (literally sticking, if I were in Baltimore. Or Iowa).

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  3. Ice cream= dairy. I'm only an optimist when junk food is involved.

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  4. Two words: air conditioning.

    This chica does not do humidity.

    Oh, and ice cream for supper requires no excuse whatsoever. Duh.

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  5. Ha! A couple weeks ago (when you wrote this) Anne texted me to wonder why she had not yet acclimated to the heat. We blamed the humidity. It's a slow death. The cure is to get your run over with, eat ice cream and chips and salsa, and take semi-frigid showers (because I was still sweating after my shower).
    And be aware that this heat running forces the blood to adapt to carry more oxygen which in turn will help with faster times for fall races.

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