Monday, November 30, 2015

Road Rage

Dear people, I need your help:  I am surrounded by misnomers.

I mean that very, very literally.  We live in a little town that has been little for quite some time, but has also seen a boom in new construction in recent years, and whomever is responsible for naming the streets of these new developments?  Well, I'm not saying they're horrible human beings, exactly, but I am saying that if I happened to have a noose in my hands I would lovingly slip it around their necks.  Just to check for fit.  Before I flung the other end around a wooden beam.  

Twelve feet off the ground.

I am not bothered by slow drivers, the sound of someone chewing doesn't offend my sensibilities, and crying children in public places barely registers.  But if, say, there is a street named "Ridgetop" that is not only NOT on top of a ridge, but is, in fact, MILES AND MILES from anything like a ridge, well.  Tiny pieces of my mind break off from the mainland and float away, small islands of rage.  It is not pretty.

They are everywhere around here, both in my small town and in the larger communities nearby.  There's a newer development about fifteen miles south of here whose very name is such a rare combination of absurdity and tackiness that I have to avert my eyes when I know I'm about to drive past it.  What does "Talons of Tuscany" even mean?  The developer had a thing for Italian birds of prey?  SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME.

Surely it was the same villain who is responsible for a similar development in the same town, brand spanking new construction lining a street named "Vintage Lane."  VINTAGE LANE.  ALL NEW HOUSES.  THIS CRAP MAKES ME CRAZY.

What's wrong with streets named after trees, or presidents, or authors?  Or, if you really want something outside of the box, have a fantasy author throw a few names your way; they're great at world-building and the naming of things.  I'm not asking for the moon, here.  I just can't figure out why the street that runs along the south side of the biggest park in my town is called "Northpark Boulevard."  You do not have to be a cartographer to realize that THIS MAKES NO SENSE.

Really, though:  Who is responsible for the naming of streets?  Because I need a word with them.  Pay no attention to the rope behind my back.


  1. Oh good Lord, I am so relieved to know that someone else is annoyed beyond belief with something like this. I assumed I was the only one and it was just because I was a poor, country bumpkin. THANK YOU.

  2. Yes. I agree.

    A lot of streets in Cleveland and its suburbs, which are flat as a pancake, are named in this fashion. If you are from ultra-hilly Western PA (as I am) and visit Cleveland, you see how all of life's travesty is summed up in Cleveland's street names. HIlltop Road? Ha! FairMOUNT Boulevard? It's fair, but it's not a mount, people.

  3. A friend of my sister's, many years ago now, got to name the street her new house in a new development was on. She chose Riesling Summit. This was somewhere in semi-rural Michigan. We all laughed.

    Recently I had to visit a new clinic in Madison, WI. I got the address from a phone message: xxx E. Park St. My poor GPS struggled until I finally called, frantic, because I was already running late, and found out that it was Eastpark St. Who DOES that?!

    Although, we also have a problem here with two many unimaginative names: we live out on the prairie. Every third street is some variation of Prairie: There's Fawn Prairie, Prairie Ave., Prairie Hill, Prairie Rd., and Prairie St., all within a few miles of us!

    But the name we laughed most about was a new subdivision called "Hawk's View", because you know that after they finished building it, the former resident hawks all moved away.

    1. YES! So many prairie street and development names around here, all in places where prairies USED to exist before urban sprawl killed them. Make a name out of that!

  4. This is one of my favorite posts. Especially the aptness of the title.

    Sooo clever!


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