It lasted around 40 minutes, but felt like four hours. At one point I feared for the lives of my boys, but there was nothing I could do. I had to be brave and patient and a bunch of other things I'm not very good at.
I am talking, of course, about Candy Land.
Oh, Candy Land, how do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways: You last forever. FOREVER. You teach nothing but basic color recognition and how to take turns, and let's be honest, I can get that from Uno and actually have fun in the process. Worst of all, you are achingly, mind-numbingly boring. Hey, look, I drew a yellow. And now I drew a blue. Yellow again. What's this? Two greens in a row? What am I going to do with all this dopamine flooding through my brain at the euphoria induced by skipping my plastic gingerbread man twice across the board? Well, don't worry, I have 45 MORE MINUTES to figure it out.
At one point I was so worried my brain was going to revolt and force me into a sanity-saving coma that I began reading way too much into the Candy Land characters.
Lord Licorice:
The villain in this tale, I figure he either has an eating disorder, a tapeworm, or is French. Caedmon just got mad I kept referring to him as a, well, him; it's very clear to Caedmon that Lord Licorice is a woman. I haven't engaged in a Man or Woman debate this heated since my sister Kelli and I saw a picture of Michael Jackson on the cover of People magazine in the late '80s. (For the record, she said Woman, I said Man. I'm still not entirely sure who was right.)
Gramma Nutt:
Her house disturbs me more than anything. She's obviously not one of those grandmas who believe Cleanliness is Next to Godliness, and how exactly does that chimney work in a house made of peanut brittle? Not to mention the fact that she better have one heck of a septic system if all she's eating is peanuts.
Jolly:
Elton John.
Plumpy:
Eats his feelings. (According to The Legend of the Lost Candy Castle: "...But ever since the King's disappearance, Plumpy does more eating than gathering... growing more plump and more glum with every bite of a plum.")
Gloppy:
I'm confused. Is he eating himself? That's, like, extreme cannibalism.
King Kandy:
Might as well be wearing a sign that reads, "Come on in, children! I'm definitely not a pedophile in 14 states!"
