- "I don't know what happened to the rest of the cookies." Truth: I ate all those cookies, children- every last morsel. They were delicious.
- "Sorry, kiddo, I don't know Frank's mommy so I have no way for you to invite him over." Truth: I could sleuth out the contact info for Junior's parents inside five minutes, between social media and living in this small town- I just make it a policy not to invite budding sociopaths and the architect of a poor teacher's nervous breakdown over for milk and cookies.
- "Of course Daddy still loves you when he's watching the Vikings!" Truth: Daddy's love for us can be directly correlated to the score of the game. So right now? No, he doesn't.
- "Honey, I know it seems like Amy's good at everything, but you have just as many talents as she does- they're just different!" Truth: Darling, nobody's as good at pretty much everything as Amy is because Amy is a freak. I feel insecure around that girl.
- "Daddy and I like to go on dates because we love spending time together." Truth: Yes, we do like spending time together, but mostly it's to get away from you.
- "Oh- yes, please, more hugs!" Truth: MUST WE TOUCH ALL THE TIME?
- "Gosh, I don't know where the three hundred pictures you drew of a car just yesterday are." Truth: They're in the trash.
- "Gosh, I don't know where all those papers from school are." Truth: They're in the trash.
- "Gosh, I don't know where all those kid's meal toys are." Truth: They're in the trash. Kid, if it's yours and it's not bolted down, it's in the trash or at Goodwill.
- "Maybe next time." Truth: The only way you're getting anything in the checkout aisle, be it candy, toy, or chapstick, is if you're with someone who might actually fall for that faux-pathetic look on your face and doesn't have to drag you through this gauntlet of kiddie temptation the next hundred times we're here. Translation: NEVER. You are NEVER getting any of the trinkets parent-hating marketing moguls place at child-eye level, because putting your groceries in the cart, locating your wallet, keeping the baby from crawling out of the cart, and paying aren't enough things to have to do at once; we should also have to pry crappy Made In China treasures from our toddlers' determined little fingers.
