Light On, Light Off

It's always funny to me how home improvement projects not only, well, improve the home, but even more so, highlight the differences between the two people living in this home and engaging in the improvement.

Case in point:  Light bulbs.

Now, when I hear "Wifi light bulbs" I think "I bet that has something to do with the internet," because I am a veritable wizard when it comes to technology.  I have no idea what Derek thinks (I've written before on the differences between his brain and my brain; they are varied and vast), but based on his level of excitement when he first called me about these Wifi light bulbs he'd found at the store while benignly searching for dimmable LEDs, it's something like, "Wow!  Brilliant!  Smashing!"  (That is how foreign the interior of his mind is to me:  It could speak in a British accent, for all I know.)

First of all, I was right about the "something to do with internet" thing, because we do control these light bulbs from our phones via the Wifi, but what's so fun about these bulbs, as Derek explained to me, is that you can dim or brighten them from your phone, you can adjust the relative warmth or coolness of the light, and you can create "Scenes," such as the one called "Movie Lighting" Derek set up, where if I select that scene, the lights will adjust to a certain warmth and brightness optimal for movie-watching.  You can also set up a schedule for your lights, and they'll do whatever it is you've told them to do whenever it is you've told them to do it.

Another difference between Derek and me:  That he would even think of labeling the sconces in this way.

East sconce and West sconce?  What, I asked him, is wrong with Left sconce and Right sconce?!  East and West assumes I know which one is more Easterly and which one is more Westerly, and unless the sun is just rising over one and just setting over the other, this is something I never know!  

I once read an article about how geese are able to navigate their yearly migrations so successfully each year, and it has something to do with magnets.  Like, in their brains.  These magnets somehow work with the magnetic fields of earth, which is fascinating and also terribly vague, I know.  Help a girl out, sciencey people?

Anywho, Derek must have these same magnets in spades in his own head, because he can travel somewhere once, and he will ever after know that route, and how to get to this place and that place and oh you just have to head north to get to this other place, all of which is useless to me, because there are no magnets in my head, or whatever it is that he has to thank for his reliable internal compass.  I need directions that sound like, "Next, you're gonna look for a crazy-big statue of a guy with a sword.  Turn LEFT at the sword-guy.  Go two more blocks, and turn RIGHT at the wrought-iron fence topped with fleurs-de-lis."  Now those?  Those are useful directions.

And yes, I know Right sconce and Left sconce could be confusing, as they change depending on whether you're looking at them or sitting on the couch under them.  (Derek says.)  Still.

Another neato thing about these lights are these settings:

Have we used any of these settings?  No.  But, see, we could if we wanted to!

Now, it's possible you're more like me, and you're reading this thinking, "Hmm, that sounds kind of neat.  Interesting.  Good to know."  However, if you're like Derek and all this Wifi light bulb business makes you go, "Holy cow- this is the most amazing thing since Midsomer Murders Season 17 finally showed up on Netflix- this makes my skirt blow up so much I feel like Marilyn Monroe over a subway vent except hopefully without the associated drug use/mental illness/poor life choices!"  If that is you, then here's what the box looks like for this little system that we are, indeed, satisfied with, at least one week into use:

I should also note that Derek got these at Lowe's, and they were 50% off, although I have no idea whether or not they're still on sale.  Oh, and another big plus is that because these are LEDs, they're energy-savers, and you know how I feel about all that.  (Hint:  Very strongly in favor of.)

And now I'll leave you with this photo of Caedmon with his Papa.  Derek's parents walked in on Saturday to help us with these sconces with their fancy light bulbs, and as soon as Caedmon saw that Dennis was dressed to work with tools (one of our youngest son's very favorite things), he scurried up the stairs and quickly returned proudly sporting similar accoutrements.

Here a Sconce, There a Sconce

A couple years ago, Derek and I agreed that the lighting in our living room sucked.  Last weekend, we finally did something about it.  This is generally how long it takes for our home decorating ideas to go from concept to fruition.

Our house came with a number of questionable light fixtures that I'm guessing were chosen for price rather than style.  They're not ugly, per se, but they don't knock my socks off, although the ones in the living room and kitchen would knock Derek's head off if he didn't either go around them or duck every time he has to pass directly underneath.  Old houses weren't built for the very tall among us, and I'm guessing the suspicious previous owners can't have been much over six feet, judging from their fixture choices.  To be fair, if you're on the shorter side, you tend not to consider such things as, "Can I easily walk under this ceiling fan?" and "Will I have to fold my body into itself just to get into this car?" and I know that taller people do much the same thing, as I've lost count of the number of times Derek and I have had the "I don't know if it's up there, as I can't see the top of the fridge, remember?  I can't even begin to see it until I'm on the top step of our step stool!" conversation.

Want to see some of these "That just doesn't make sense!" fixtures for yourself?  Of course you do!

This is our living room fixture.  First of all, at eight feet high, we don't enjoy ceilings tall enough to warrant fixtures that from top to bottom hang two feet down, so why on earth wouldn't you get one of those handy dandy ceiling-hugging fans?  I know those remodelers were aware of their existence, as they put the exact same fixture in the kitchen, where the ceiling is equal in height, except this one doesn't hang down as far.

I'm also not crazy about the flower-shaped light shades, but I'm willing to admit that that is a matter of taste.  Even in the kitchen, however, this fixture is a poor choice, as the pull chain is a mere six feet off the ground.  Why would you put such a low-hanging fixture in a space like this?  We won't even go into the fact that these produce the most glaring, harsh light available on the market.  It's less "Welcome to our comfortable, warmly-lit home" and more "Welcome to Guantanamo Bay, hope you're not particularly attached to those teeth."  It just doesn't make sense.

And then there are the abundance of boob lights.

I call them boob lights because they look like, well, boobs.  Again, a matter of taste as to whether or not you want these things looming over your head.

Anyway.

A couple years ago, Husband and I agreed:  This lighting is terrible, and we spend a ton of time in this terrible lighting.  What to do?  Derek had the idea that sconces would solve all of our problems, I concurred, and then we turned to the internet, only to find that we have widely differing ideas on what constitutes a visually appealing sconce.  It was like picking out baby names all over again, for not since then had I heard the word "veto" repeated so often and so quickly.  He didn't like what I liked.  I didn't like what he liked.  Stalemate.

Then, somehow, right around a year ago, we found a sconce at Menards that neither one of us hated!  And they were on clearance! And yes, there were two boxes left!

Then those boxes sat on top of our deep freezer for a year.  This is normal home improvement behavior, right?

Finally, Derek arranged for his dad to come over last Saturday so they could do mysterious lighting things.  Loud sounds were made.  Multiple trips to the hardware store were undertaken.  Other things happened, like Dennis cutting into the wall to discover that the first layer was thick sheet rock,

Before, couch pulled out, sheet rock not yet cut through to reveal its secrets.

under that was thick plaster,

Why, hello, plaster

under that was wood lath,

Why, hello, wood lath

under that was wool used as insulation(!),

and then he said something about how it looked like the outside of the house used to be stucco?  Or, you know.  Something.  Aren't old houses fun/exasperating?

It ended up taking most of Saturday and then involved a return trip by Dennis on Monday to finish hooking everything up (again, normal home improvement behavior, right?), but finally, we had our sconces.  So exciting.  Such an improvement.

Please note the pillows that Atticus likes to have placed just so.

Better!

Why, hello, post-workout Husband.

Much better!

Tomorrow I'll tell you about Derek's favorite part:  The new lightbulbs.  He has lost his mind over those things.  I am not even a little bit kidding.  (WHAT A CLIFFHANGER, RIGHT?)