Thursday, January 21, 2016

Calling a Vegetable a Vegetable

Last weekend I made a new recipe.  I'd come across it weeks ago via that Tasty thingamajig- you know, the high-speed videos of dishes being prepared that your mean, mean friends purposely share on social media at the times when you're absolutely starving?  That.

This was a relatively healthy meal, and it looked so good, and simple, and I was just sure that our whole family would find it ever so delicious, and also?  I am a schmuck.

That in itself isn't exactly news, so I'll be more specific:  I am a schmuck who is repeatedly taken in by claims like, "This healthy thing tastes exactly like that other not-so-healthy-but-oh-so-tasty thing!  Pinky swear!"  Then I have the gall to be astonished when cauliflower doesn't taste like fried rice.  Of course it doesn't taste like fried rice; it's cauliflower!  

I knew things were going awry when I was cooking the not-rice in the pan and it smelled like cauliflower.  I thought that perhaps the cauliflower would stop smelling so much like cauliflower as it neared the end of the cooking process, or maybe once I added the eggs and the soy sauce.  I mean, yes, the post was titled "Cauliflower Fried Rice," but the guy says, "Oh-ho, yes!" after scooping up a forkful of the False Rice.  I made the mistake of believing "Oh-ho, yes!" meant "My taste buds are enjoying this!" or even just "This doesn't taste like a bowlful of cauliflower!" because, as we've established, I am a chump.

I'm fine with healthy foods as long as they're marketed as the honest, healthy food they are.  I love spaghetti squash, but I'm not going to tell you it tastes like spaghetti, because it doesn't, because it's not.  It's not pasta.  It's a vegetable, and that is okay.

Thankfully, after everyone had eaten all the steak out of their cauliflower bowls- which Derek manfully polished off, because he will eat pretty much anything if I have cooked it and has since the day we married, because he has the wisdom of Solomon- husband then made the most divine grilled cheese sandwiches I have ever tasted in my entire life.  Now, the man is a superior grilled-cheese-maker (a specific brand of Italian bread + thinly sliced deli Provolone + butter + garlic salt + a dash of Derek), but I think it was the contrast between cauliflower and cheesy, salty, buttery goodness that did it.

The remainder of the Cauliflower Fried Rice was unceremoniously dumped in the trash that evening, but I'm thinking I should've stashed some in the fridge to taste before each meal.  Imagine how good Ranch-Style Chicken would be after a little cauliflower, oh, or chocolate chip cookies!  Our kids are going to love this new family mandate!  I know exactly how they'll react to the news.


  1. I love those gifs. That is how my kids would react whenever I would calmly say, "Well, if you don't want to do Homework Assignment X, then I would be happy to home-school you."

    As for cauliflower tasting like anything but cauliflower, I'm with you, sister! That's like saying tofu tastes just like turkey when it is made into a vaguely turkey-breast shape. Um, no.

    I love spaghetti squash, and use it instead of spaghetti when the rest of the family has actual real pasta. But I never pretend it IS pasta.

  2. Well, I truly hate spaghetti squash (that horrible texture!) but I love cauliflower. I've never had it in a way that it wasn't great. Although . . I've never had it as a substitute for fried rice :-) I have found that any vegetable is heavenly if it's roasted in some olive oil, salt, and pepper. Even Brussels sprouts melt in your mouth!

  3. Expectations affect so much, don't they?

    And I laughed at Common Household Mom's comment above. I threatened Easton just yesterday with public school: "If you are having such a hard time sitting here and completing your work, would you like to go to school instead where you have to sit and do schoolwork ALL DAY????!!!!!?" (extra exclamation marks and question marks for your pleasure. wink)


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