Still, I was really struck by this idea, so we're going to go with it.
The Crislers' 2014 Vacation Guide to Brave New World, Iowa
(Quick note: The name of our town is not actually Brave New World- hereafter referred to as BNW- but if you do know the actual name of the town and you remember anything from your high school sophomore english class, you'll get this fun literary reference. You know what, though? I actually really like the name 'Brave New World' for a city. Anyone know how to petition to have your city's name changed?)
Entertainment: All I can say is I hope you like watching corn grow. And the smell of pigs. (As for the former statement, according to Derek's mom you can actually hear corn grow in the summer because it grows so fast, but it has to be on a completely still, windless day- good luck finding one of those- and as for the latter statement, any pig farmer worth his salt- aka bacon- will tell you "That's the smell of money.")
Accommodations: While BNW doesn't technically (or non-technically, for that matter) have any hotels, motels, or charming Bed and Breakfasts, you, of course, are always welcome to stay in the guest room at the Crislers! (I haven't run this by Derek yet, so for now this will just have to be a secret between me and the internet. Fortunately for me the internet has a terrific history of keeping secrets. It is also a reliable source for all your medical decision-making needs, fyi.)
Now, we don't have a website like most motels do, but I'd be more than happy to give you an idea as to what to expect should you decide to take advantage of the luxe guest quarters awaiting you at la Casa de Crisler.
Most traditional motels have a lobby to welcome you into their space. We- and by "we" I now mean "you," of course!- have this:
That's right! And it has been 67 DAYS since our last incident on these stairs!
Next up: your bedroom/ the coal room!
Obviously, in this shot I don't have the linens ready, but rest assured, when you arrive, I will provide you with an ample supply of whatever blankets I don't mind getting old coal dust and soot on.
Features exposed beam ceilings, exposed brick walls (is this place a vintage/antique lovers' paradise or what?!), lots of exposed spider webs, a light bulb, and, in the winter, our family's bicycles for ample seating!
Rather than something as obvious and bourgeois as a sink, we provide this en suite indoor cistern, which is of course the final word in turn-of-the-century indoor plumbing (turn of the 19th to 20th century, that is).
And instead of a toilet, we have this lovely drain.
Now we just need a clever catchphrase for your new, temporary digs. I was thinking something along the lines of "The Crislers: For the discerning traveler with a positive attitude and healthy sense of adventure." Thoughts?