Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Now Available For Loan

I owe everyone an apology.

I have been hoarding a precious resource to myself.  This resource is none other than the phenomenon known as "Caedmon."  More specifically, "Caedmon at the grocery store."

Maybe you've been feeling like your trips to the supermarket have been a little boring of late (or maybe you haven't).  I'm here to fix all that.  Well, Caedmon is.

Here's a little example of what your weekly trips could look like, with the little addition of our 15-month-old sweetheart:


Arrive at Aldi (or whatever grocery store you frequent).  Place Caedmon in the seat provided in the front of the cart.  Try to buckle the straps around him.  Realize they aren't long enough to fit around his barrel chest and puffy Vikings winter coat.  Pray he'll just sit still long enough to get your shopping done.  Pause because you swear you hear God laughing at your naivete.

Enter the store.  Try to keep the cart close enough to one side of the aisle that others can get past you, but not so close that Caedmon can reach the food products-especially the cereal, which he can bring down a good four boxes at a time.

Stop and check the floor behind you every four or five steps.  Retrieve the food Caedmon has been throwing out of the cart.  Retrieve the shoes Caedmon has been taking off and throwing out of the cart.  Retrieve the socks Caedmon has been taking off and throwing out of the cart.  Retrieve the hat Caedmon has been... well, you get the idea.

When Caedmon tries to stand up in his seat, force him to sit back down.  Do this again, and again, and again, and again...


Eventually make it to the only check-out line that is open.  Be thankful there's only one customer in front of you, and begin loading your merchandise onto the conveyor belt.  Glance at the front of the cart to be sure Caedmon is still seated every few seconds.  Forgive God for laughing at you, and say thank you to Him for sending the pretty college-age girl and her mother who are standing behind you in line and talking to Caedmon, who is smiling, ducking his head, and coyly looking up at them through his long eyelashes.

As you finish loading your food onto the belt, look back at the seat to check on Caedmon.  Feel a moment's panic when you see that he isn't there- only a moment's, because then your peripheral vision will register the sight of Caedmon on his hands and knees, coasting past you on the belt.

Pluck him off at the same time the checker sees there's a toddler on the conveyor belt and stops it.  Be grateful everyone around you seems to have an intact sense of humor and no one appears to be reaching for their cell phones to call the authorities to come and take your children away from you.  Feel your face turn bright red anyway.

Bag your food as quickly as possible to get the heck out of that place.  Keep forcing Caedmon to sit back down in his seat.

Thank Atticus for being such a perfectly obedient little jewel of a boy.

Collapse into the seat of your car, exhausted.



Now taking applications!

4 comments:

  1. That's about how Kevin is! I had to take him and Caitlin once, being 10 months apart. I told David I would NEVER do that again and he would have to keep one if not both at home with him, or do the shipping himself!

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  2. Shopping not shipping. :) silly iphone

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  3. Giggle, ok, gonna recommend another book to you, just because it has been refreshing to me lately. It's a short, quick little read: Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches by Rachel Jankovic

    You would like it, I think--she is funny, has the same sense of humor you do. ;)

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  4. Jamie- I don't know how you do the whole ten months apart business. I don't think I'd ever go anywhere. I'd be a hermit.

    Shonya- Yay- another book recommendation! Let me write that down... I'll add it to the growing list I have from you (that I swear I'm going to start on real soon...).

    ReplyDelete

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