Monday, July 8, 2013

Not So Comforting

About a month ago, Derek and I bought a new comforter for our bed.  We had spent the previous several months hunting for an inexpensive new one that we both found attractive enough to sleep under every night, which turned out to be about as difficult as agreeing on names for our children.

I once read that a true compromise has been reached when nobody is happy.  If this is true, then our new comforter is a perfect compromise.  Neither of us really loves it, but it's not nearly as hideous as I found most of his previous suggestions to be, and he doesn't make his You have got to be kidding me face when he sees it like he did with all my other bedding-related suggestions.

There has been an unforeseen problem with this particular comforter, however.

Most nights, Derek and I take turns going in to settle Atticus down after one of his night terrors.  It's gotten to the point where he can be calmed relatively quickly, meaning we don't have to fully awaken, which further means we can usually fall back asleep almost immediately after returning to bed.

The majority of the population experiences this kind of not-quite-awake state in the mornings, often before they've had one or two or five cups of coffee.  We don't drink coffee in this house; Derek because he doesn't like it, me because it gives me a stomachache.  And yes, I do see that as a kind of tragedy.

My point is, you know what I'm talking about when I say not-quite-awake-but-still-not-asleep.  I'm not the most cheerful person in that frame of mind (although I've also never accused a loved one of petty theft, nor have I tried to stab anyone when half-awake, Kelli).

This isn't usually a big deal in the middle of the night.  I quiet Atticus, return to bed, go back to sleep.

Except now it's:  Quiet Atticus, return to bed, engage in surprisingly bloodless battle with the comforter, go back to sleep.

The problem, of course, is ridges.

The new comforter has these stripes, these raised ridges that run horizontally across the width of the material, and for whatever reason, when I'm in the throes of that irrational half-consciousness, those ridges are infuriating.  As it turns out, when I pull the blankets over my tired body, all I want is blessed smoothness, not bumps and irregularities and ridges.

To my exhausted diurnal brain, the obvious solution is that the blanket needs to be punished.  As it turns out, however, kicking and tearing and twisting a comforter is about as worthwhile as you would think fighting something with the name "comforter" would be.

It's actually a lot like trying to hang up on person while talking on a cell phone.  Remember how wonderfully satisfying it was to hang up on a person with a corded phone?  You really felt like your displeasure was being communicated when you could slam that receiver onto its base.  Now?  All you get to do is push a tiny button, and no matter how violently or with what amount of malevolence you push it, you're still just pushing a button.


I'm not really sure what the answer is here.  Keep the (smooth, no frills) old comforter tucked under my side of the bed to use at night?  Train myself to sleep with only a sheet, aka be freezing cold all night?  See a shrink?

I don't know, but I have a sudden urge to buy an old phone at a garage sale just so I can hang up on someone.

15 comments:

  1. I remember buying our comforter. It's really more of a quilt, and its not very manly. However, it's not pink either (I dislike pink). It's mostly white with embroidered blue and green flowers. It's actually a Laura Ashley quilt, although I didn't know that when I bought it (on sale!). White with blue and green isn't manly, but it isn't super-feminine either. Luckily, because I bought it without even asking Rob :-)

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    1. Oh, a white flowered quilt sounds incredibly cozy. Also like something Derek would veto without ever having set eyes on it.

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  2. I tried to stab someone?! I don't remember anything exciting about my childhood apparently...

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    1. It's called "imminent threat," which you were every morning. Adelaide is the same way. It's super fun.

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  3. ours has weird raised...squares? boxes? plaid? i don't know. but the other side is smooth. could you flip it over? or could you buy a prettier, smoother comforter for your side and let derek have the 'meh,' infuriating one as punishment for making you compromise in the first place?

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    1. The ridges are on top, but maybe I could flip it around... except that then I'd have the tag in my face.

      Now I'm just being difficult.

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  4. My husband and I had the same sort of wicked disagreement over the purchase of bathroom rugs.

    I would say that texture of the bedclothes is an important part of life. Sort of like underwear. Nobody wants uncomfortable underwear. If a person's underwear had ridges, that person would set fire to the ridged underwear, and go and buy better unridged underwear.

    Maybe His and Hers blankets?

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    1. Yikes. Ridged underwear sounds truly awful.

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  5. I have the magical answer- QUILT. Use the lovely quilt that the big and louds made for your wedding. Problem solved.

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    1. But then how would we stab our guests with pins that have been left in?

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  6. Lorri already came up with my answer! (Well, I don't know the story behind that particular quilt, but the idea is the same.)

    My husband has to keep a spare blanket handy in the winter. There's nothing wrong with having your own blanket stash hidden away! ;)

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    1. "QUILT" is my mom's (Lorri) answer to many of life's ills. She's probably just excited it fit in this case.

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  7. Can you push through so you can try to drink coffee? Like build up a tolerance for it? It seems like such a sad, pointless existence if you do not get to partake in the black beauty that is coffee. I think Folgers has a Smooth edition (maybe it plays jazz when you drink it?) for people with stomach issues to coffee. Maybe in a few months you'll be eating grounds straight out of the can. Then your life will be complete.

    Note: I am NOT an addict. I can quit anytime [with blinding white hot headaches, a severe case of anxiety, and an alarming case of jitters]. Still though, I am in control.

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    1. Clearly you're not an addict, given that the one thing you focused on was the fact that I can't have coffee.

      And I should clarify: I can have iced coffee more often than regular coffee. I have no idea why. Makes me think maybe it's all mental. Which is sadly possible.

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  8. chuckle
    The whole thing is funny, but I also can't imagine having a husband who *cares* about the bedding (beyond it being clean and comfortable). And "attractive enough to sleep under every night"??? Are your eyes not closed? ;)

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